2007/11/30 WE ARE LIVING IT RIGHT NOW: What The Hell (Part 2)
This blog is a continuation of a previous entry. To understand it you should first read “What The Hell (Part 1).”
I cannot tell you how much I have wrestled with the thought of posting the content of this blog. What I have come to realize is that I can deny reality, and I can to some degree ignore reality, but I cannot change the fact that it is there and that it is what it is.
This applies not only to reality as a whole, but also to the reality of who I have been and who I am. I don’t owe you or anyone else the candidness of this blog. I am transparent here not by debt, but by choice. You will understand why as you read it...or maybe you won’t. Either way, here it is:
(Everything below this is from the original entry written on Oct 2, 2007.)
...Now to tell you the truth, I don’t trust God today. I didn’t chose this. Trust, in the sense I am using it, is a feeling. You can no more fault me for this than you can fault me for not feeling energetic after a long day, or for not feeling hungry after watching a mammal eat it’s own placenta after giving birth on the Discovery channel.
Or look at it this way. Do you trust Santa Clause? You say, “but he doesn’t exist!” But that is irrelevant. The question is “do you trust him?” Of course your answer to this is “no,” and I must now ask you “did you choose not to trust him?”
At this point be honest with yourself. Could you really be convinced to trust Santa Clause? What would it take?
Most likely at some point you did trust him. In fact at some point you may have written a letter to communicate to him your wishes, wishes you fully expected to be fulfilled in light of the knowledge that he is so good and powerful. Maybe you asked for a pony, and were quite confused when you awoke on the day you were to receive your treasure to find that you had gotten a doll house, or a GI Joe, or a pair of socks instead.
Surely after a while, without any intention to do so, you began to trust Santa Clause less and less until you concluded that he no longer existed and in fact never did. You never willfully decided to stop trusting him, just like you never decided to feel sick at the thought of chewing a placenta. You just did.
Now would it make any difference to you if I told you that Santa really did have a pony for you but that is was still at the North Pole and that one day he would fly you up there to retrieve it? Probably not. At this point we both know that there is essentially no way for you to regain trust in Santa, even were you to will that you should.
The allegory should be pretty obvious.
Now I am not accusing God of anything here. I have been accusing Him for the past 24 hours and have decided I have said enough as far as that goes.
What I am saying is that I didn’t choose to be a people pleaser, I didn’t choose to be a perfectionist, and it wasn’t my choice to not trust God today. I never thought these things through and I never chose them to be the state of affairs on October 2, 2007.
What I am choosing to do is fight like a fucking madman to change all of this. I’m pretty sure it will ruin my rapport with some and I can already think of several that I will no doubt let down, people who have held me in high esteem and have been encouraged by a perception of me that will surely be shattered as they read this. Do not mistake my boldness for nonchalance. I am very sober when I say that it deeply grieves me even now.
But what can I do? Two options lay before me.
I can continue this life of impotence, a slave to the thoughts and opinions of others, a slave to the fear of all that is less than perfect, and a life in constant denial of that grotesque depravity which is truly me. This is surely a path that can bring no good.
Or I can be honest with others, with God, and with myself.
I’ve lived the former to no avail.
Do I dare the latter?
Oh, what the hell.
About the author:
Beau Bristow is either a Nihilist or a Christian depending on how long it has been since his last meal and how much sleep he has recently gotten.
When a Christian he resides in a universe that is the real product of the mind of a sovereign and personal God who has revealed himself extensively to a race of people known as “Jews” and through which He has further made Himself known to the rest of humanity, specifically through that one Jew by the name of Yeshua.
When a Nihilist Beau resides in Misery, which has yet to be mapped, but is really close to Everywhere, and not far from Anyone.
I cannot tell you how much I have wrestled with the thought of posting the content of this blog. What I have come to realize is that I can deny reality, and I can to some degree ignore reality, but I cannot change the fact that it is there and that it is what it is.
This applies not only to reality as a whole, but also to the reality of who I have been and who I am. I don’t owe you or anyone else the candidness of this blog. I am transparent here not by debt, but by choice. You will understand why as you read it...or maybe you won’t. Either way, here it is:
(Everything below this is from the original entry written on Oct 2, 2007.)
...Now to tell you the truth, I don’t trust God today. I didn’t chose this. Trust, in the sense I am using it, is a feeling. You can no more fault me for this than you can fault me for not feeling energetic after a long day, or for not feeling hungry after watching a mammal eat it’s own placenta after giving birth on the Discovery channel.
Or look at it this way. Do you trust Santa Clause? You say, “but he doesn’t exist!” But that is irrelevant. The question is “do you trust him?” Of course your answer to this is “no,” and I must now ask you “did you choose not to trust him?”
At this point be honest with yourself. Could you really be convinced to trust Santa Clause? What would it take?
Most likely at some point you did trust him. In fact at some point you may have written a letter to communicate to him your wishes, wishes you fully expected to be fulfilled in light of the knowledge that he is so good and powerful. Maybe you asked for a pony, and were quite confused when you awoke on the day you were to receive your treasure to find that you had gotten a doll house, or a GI Joe, or a pair of socks instead.
Surely after a while, without any intention to do so, you began to trust Santa Clause less and less until you concluded that he no longer existed and in fact never did. You never willfully decided to stop trusting him, just like you never decided to feel sick at the thought of chewing a placenta. You just did.
Now would it make any difference to you if I told you that Santa really did have a pony for you but that is was still at the North Pole and that one day he would fly you up there to retrieve it? Probably not. At this point we both know that there is essentially no way for you to regain trust in Santa, even were you to will that you should.
The allegory should be pretty obvious.
Now I am not accusing God of anything here. I have been accusing Him for the past 24 hours and have decided I have said enough as far as that goes.
What I am saying is that I didn’t choose to be a people pleaser, I didn’t choose to be a perfectionist, and it wasn’t my choice to not trust God today. I never thought these things through and I never chose them to be the state of affairs on October 2, 2007.
What I am choosing to do is fight like a fucking madman to change all of this. I’m pretty sure it will ruin my rapport with some and I can already think of several that I will no doubt let down, people who have held me in high esteem and have been encouraged by a perception of me that will surely be shattered as they read this. Do not mistake my boldness for nonchalance. I am very sober when I say that it deeply grieves me even now.
But what can I do? Two options lay before me.
I can continue this life of impotence, a slave to the thoughts and opinions of others, a slave to the fear of all that is less than perfect, and a life in constant denial of that grotesque depravity which is truly me. This is surely a path that can bring no good.
Or I can be honest with others, with God, and with myself.
I’ve lived the former to no avail.
Do I dare the latter?
Oh, what the hell.
About the author:
Beau Bristow is either a Nihilist or a Christian depending on how long it has been since his last meal and how much sleep he has recently gotten.
When a Christian he resides in a universe that is the real product of the mind of a sovereign and personal God who has revealed himself extensively to a race of people known as “Jews” and through which He has further made Himself known to the rest of humanity, specifically through that one Jew by the name of Yeshua.
When a Nihilist Beau resides in Misery, which has yet to be mapped, but is really close to Everywhere, and not far from Anyone.
posted by Beau Bristow at 8:29 AM
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