Tuesday, November 20, 2007

WE ARE LIVING IT RIGHT NOW: What The Hell (Part 1)

I find that more than anything in a plastic world, what I desire is the truth....reality that is not watered down or doctored to be something it isn’t.

This is why I am captivated by honesty. It is why I am passionately disinterested in the scripted speeches of politicians and “interviews” with the kings and queens of pop culture.

If my single goal was to sell you music, to sell you myself, to profit by presenting an image of myself to you that is so detached from reality that you can’t figure out a better response than to worship it, then I might never give you what I am about to give you.

The fact that I am posting what I am posting should speak for itself in regards to my intentions.

The following is a rant that I wrote a few weeks ago in a very emotional state. I deliberated whether or not to post it, but decided that for the sake of honesty I should show you this side of me. Today I am only giving you the first part because it is somewhat lengthy:


I’ve been rolling a lot of thoughts over in my head for the past few hours/years, and in the past few minutes the context for these thoughts has been as if I was writing them in a blog. So I figured, “What the hell, I’ll write some of them down.” I might not ever post it. If I did, it could really hurt what people think of me.

I should also note before I continue that I live my life with this curse of feeling that I always have to please others. This is the surest path to misery. I know. I have walked this path and I arrived at Misery about 7 years ago. Most people who don’t walk this path are still a few years away from Misery at my age.

But maybe I shouldn’t complain. Maybe this is really an opportunity. Surely I now have some experience of Misery with which to minister to those who are just now arriving here; or maybe I can give alternate, longer, more scenic directions to those who would inevitably be here tomorrow if they continue their current route. Surely such ministry would be a good way to please someone. But I digress.

Currently I am sitting at my computer, naked. I think I think more clearly this way, but I’m not sure because I don’t think clearly enough to judge how I think when I’m not thinking clearly.

I just got back from a run, which came immediately after paying over $400 for car repair, which came immediately after 2 cups of coffee while I was having car repair done, which came immediately after a short-changed night of sleep, which came immediately after discovering that I am still in love with someone I broke up with 8 months ago (and 3 more times since then, though we never got back together...don’t even try to figure that one out).

This lingering love has kept me from being able to move forward in any relationship since then. What this essentially means is that two times since the breakup last February I have begun a relationship with a great girl only to find that I am completely incapable of giving my heart to the relationship because my heart is still somewhere else.

It happens pretty predictably: 3 dates, a lot of shared self on both sides, my realization of where my heart really is, a confession to her of where my heart is, pain on her side for investing in something that never had a chance, pain and guilt on my side for being the source of her pain, and honest confusion on my part as to where the knee-deep shit I am standing in came from.

Now the logical question at this point is, “Beau, if you love this girl so much, why are you dating other girls?!!”

At this point I should probably fill you in on another bit of information about myself. I am a perfectionist. I want and expect everything to be perfect. I want everything to work properly, to run smoothly, to be morally and metaphysically right (whatever that is), and to please everybody perfectly.

This causes untold anxiety and ridiculous amounts of deliberation in even petty decision-making. I am often frozen in thought, stranded in fear between two alternatives, certain that the wrong choice will leave me short of perfection and therefore miserable but uncertain as to which choice is right.

The whole process makes me miserable. In fact, come to think of it, I arrived at Misery earlier than I thought. It may have really been 10 years ago. But that’s a further testament to the importance of thoroughly deliberated decision-making. If I had thought about it more I might have realized that choosing to think so much would make me miserable, and I could have avoided the whole thing altogether.

That being said, the reason I am not in that other relationship is that I wasn’t certain it was the right (or perfect) choice. If it wasn’t right then it must not be pleasing to God, and if it wasn’t pleasing to God then it couldn’t be right. So I began to question the relationship. The more I questioned the relationship the more strained it became, and the more strained it became the more I questioned it. Eventually we were both miserable and decided that we should just break things off. We had come to an impasse, and the only way to get around it was to not go any further.

So I traded the misery of questioning if I should be in that relationship for the misery of questioning if I should have stayed in that relationship. I promptly realized the real truth of the saying “misery loves company” and so I began to wish I was back in that relationship, but I couldn’t be sure this wouldn’t just make me more miserable, and so I decided to look for a new relationship that might make me less miserable, or at least a little more certain that it wouldn’t get more miserable.

Now to tell you the truth, I don’t trust God today....

(I’m stopping here and will post the rest in a few days)


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