2007/11/30 WE ARE LIVING IT RIGHT NOW: What The Hell (Part 2)

This blog is a continuation of a previous entry. To understand it you should first read “What The Hell (Part 1).”

I cannot tell you how much I have wrestled with the thought of posting the content of this blog. What I have come to realize is that I can deny reality, and I can to some degree ignore reality, but I cannot change the fact that it is there and that it is what it is.

This applies not only to reality as a whole, but also to the reality of who I have been and who I am. I don’t owe you or anyone else the candidness of this blog. I am transparent here not by debt, but by choice. You will understand why as you read it...or maybe you won’t. Either way, here it is:

(Everything below this is from the original entry written on Oct 2, 2007.)




...Now to tell you the truth, I don’t trust God today. I didn’t chose this. Trust, in the sense I am using it, is a feeling. You can no more fault me for this than you can fault me for not feeling energetic after a long day, or for not feeling hungry after watching a mammal eat it’s own placenta after giving birth on the Discovery channel.

Or look at it this way. Do you trust Santa Clause? You say, “but he doesn’t exist!” But that is irrelevant. The question is “do you trust him?” Of course your answer to this is “no,” and I must now ask you “did you choose not to trust him?”

At this point be honest with yourself. Could you really be convinced to trust Santa Clause? What would it take?

Most likely at some point you did trust him. In fact at some point you may have written a letter to communicate to him your wishes, wishes you fully expected to be fulfilled in light of the knowledge that he is so good and powerful. Maybe you asked for a pony, and were quite confused when you awoke on the day you were to receive your treasure to find that you had gotten a doll house, or a GI Joe, or a pair of socks instead.

Surely after a while, without any intention to do so, you began to trust Santa Clause less and less until you concluded that he no longer existed and in fact never did. You never willfully decided to stop trusting him, just like you never decided to feel sick at the thought of chewing a placenta. You just did.

Now would it make any difference to you if I told you that Santa really did have a pony for you but that is was still at the North Pole and that one day he would fly you up there to retrieve it? Probably not. At this point we both know that there is essentially no way for you to regain trust in Santa, even were you to will that you should.

The allegory should be pretty obvious.

Now I am not accusing God of anything here. I have been accusing Him for the past 24 hours and have decided I have said enough as far as that goes.

What I am saying is that I didn’t choose to be a people pleaser, I didn’t choose to be a perfectionist, and it wasn’t my choice to not trust God today. I never thought these things through and I never chose them to be the state of affairs on October 2, 2007.

What I am choosing to do is fight like a fucking madman to change all of this. I’m pretty sure it will ruin my rapport with some and I can already think of several that I will no doubt let down, people who have held me in high esteem and have been encouraged by a perception of me that will surely be shattered as they read this. Do not mistake my boldness for nonchalance. I am very sober when I say that it deeply grieves me even now.

But what can I do? Two options lay before me.

I can continue this life of impotence, a slave to the thoughts and opinions of others, a slave to the fear of all that is less than perfect, and a life in constant denial of that grotesque depravity which is truly me. This is surely a path that can bring no good.

Or I can be honest with others, with God, and with myself.

I’ve lived the former to no avail.
Do I dare the latter?
Oh, what the hell.



About the author:

Beau Bristow is either a Nihilist or a Christian depending on how long it has been since his last meal and how much sleep he has recently gotten.

When a Christian he resides in a universe that is the real product of the mind of a sovereign and personal God who has revealed himself extensively to a race of people known as “Jews” and through which He has further made Himself known to the rest of humanity, specifically through that one Jew by the name of Yeshua.

When a Nihilist Beau resides in Misery, which has yet to be mapped, but is really close to Everywhere, and not far from Anyone.

2007.11.27 CHECK THIS OUT: Album Progress

The Monday before Thanksgiving we tracked electric guitar for 5 songs. Here is a shot of Steve Mason from Jars of Clay in Stephen’s studio (Stephen is producing the album). You guys are gonna love the Lap Steal Guitar Steve put on Stand....








The Monday after Thanksgiving we tracked keys at Matt’s studio. Here are a few shots of Matt and his set-up. Matt can really work a Rhodes and a B-3 and it is really cool to get this far in the recording.








The songs are really taking shape and it is awesome to have the ideas and abilities of others blended into the sweet dish we are cooking up (sorry, still have food on the brain after Thanksgiving).

Later!

beau

2007.11.25 CHECK THIS OUT: Guitar Students Make Me Laugh

I have intended for a while to share with you a few of the priceless moments that have come out of the hours I spend each week teaching guitar lessons.

Last winter I resumed teaching lessons part time in order to invest all of my touring income back into the music.

This semester I have had a wealth of students and experiences. Here is the first of them....

Let me introduce you to a 3rd grade boy that I will call “Student S.” (Not to be confused with Student X from way earlier blogs....if you haven’t read them, you owe it to yourself to check them out.)

Student S owns an electric guitar that is full size....needless to say it is too large for him and he is constantly wrestling with it as if at any moment his struggle might actually burst though to victory and will find him larger or his guitar smaller. He puckers his lips, grimaces, and snorts as he shifts the guitar further to the left, then the right, lifting it to keep it from sliding off his lap, and then immediately pushing it back down to get his arm over the top. It is the plight of Sisyphus, and thus the name Student S.

S’s guitar is broken. It apparently happened shortly after he got it. The connection where the guitar would normally be plugged into an amplifier is broken and pushed back into the guitar. This is not uncommon, but I still can’t elude the sense that this case is the result of an intentional act...an annoyed parent or older sister....it’s just a thought, but I honestly wonder....

S is all-boy. On his first lesson he came in late with red cheeks, grass stains on his Catholic school uniform, and breathing like Seabiscuit with emphysema. He explained that he had been playing football since school let out. He was practically dragging his guitar behind him (which might explain the broken guitar...but I am not convinced). He had obviously spilled something on his navy blue pants that day in school, and his grey polo shirt was partially un-tucked, damp with sweat, unbuttoned, and stretched loose around his neck.

In the first couple of weeks I taught him a simplified version of “Smoke on the Water” which he has played for me first thing in every lesson since then. He plays with his head turned towards the left, tilted slightly down, his mouth half open, and strums like he is recklessly fighting to flick a bug from the top of his guitar. Every 8 – 10 notes he stops to readjust his guitar before it slides into the floor.

This is entertaining enough in itself, but as fortune would have it, Halloween fell on a lesson day. He came bouncing proudly into lessons that day wearing the kind of renegade smile that finds its way to one’s face when they are desperately fighting to wear anything but a smile, the kind of smile that leaks when someone desperately desires and expects to be recognized for something but doesn’t want to broadcast such feelings.

In this case the smile was doubly betraying (and even more inevitable) for it revealed an oversized set of plastic fangs that S had clearly been showing off all day to every teacher, student, and unsuspecting nun at the school he attends. I couldn’t help but meet his smile with my own. I allowed S to keep the fangs in his mouth as he fumbled to get his guitar on his lap and begin playing the Batman theme which he had learned the previous week.

Within seconds I was beyond a smile and was now fighting laughter and on the verge of loosing it all together. I was spared from being seen only by the fact that he always looks to his left while playing and therefore couldn’t see my struggle just to stay in my chair.

My struggle was mild compared to his. If he wasn’t shifting his guitar, he was reaching up to press the oversized fangs back into his mouth, and if he wasn’t snorting through his blushing nose, he was sucking in the spit that kept pooling in his mouth with no hope for being swallowed because he couldn’t even begin to close his mouth over the fangs. The fact that he was looking slightly down made this even worse and he kept looking up so as not to pour drool over his constantly escaping guitar.

Despite all of this he managed to perform a most musical arrangement of Batman complete with rhythmic snorts and slurps and enough guitar and head motion to imply a quite elaborate choreography.

He finally gave up and took the fangs out for the rest of the lesson, laying them in a puddle of saliva on my desk. I settled back to a simple smiled....and then thanked God for other people’s children.

Next time I will tell you about how he invented “Halo Kitty” and might even introduce you to student C.

Until then...

Beau

WE ARE LIVING IT RIGHT NOW: What The Hell (Part 1)

I find that more than anything in a plastic world, what I desire is the truth....reality that is not watered down or doctored to be something it isn’t.

This is why I am captivated by honesty. It is why I am passionately disinterested in the scripted speeches of politicians and “interviews” with the kings and queens of pop culture.

If my single goal was to sell you music, to sell you myself, to profit by presenting an image of myself to you that is so detached from reality that you can’t figure out a better response than to worship it, then I might never give you what I am about to give you.

The fact that I am posting what I am posting should speak for itself in regards to my intentions.

The following is a rant that I wrote a few weeks ago in a very emotional state. I deliberated whether or not to post it, but decided that for the sake of honesty I should show you this side of me. Today I am only giving you the first part because it is somewhat lengthy:




“WHAT THE HELL”


I’ve been rolling a lot of thoughts over in my head for the past few hours/years, and in the past few minutes the context for these thoughts has been as if I was writing them in a blog. So I figured, “What the hell, I’ll write some of them down.” I might not ever post it. If I did, it could really hurt what people think of me.

I should also note before I continue that I live my life with this curse of feeling that I always have to please others. This is the surest path to misery. I know. I have walked this path and I arrived at Misery about 7 years ago. Most people who don’t walk this path are still a few years away from Misery at my age.

But maybe I shouldn’t complain. Maybe this is really an opportunity. Surely I now have some experience of Misery with which to minister to those who are just now arriving here; or maybe I can give alternate, longer, more scenic directions to those who would inevitably be here tomorrow if they continue their current route. Surely such ministry would be a good way to please someone. But I digress.

Currently I am sitting at my computer, naked. I think I think more clearly this way, but I’m not sure because I don’t think clearly enough to judge how I think when I’m not thinking clearly.

I just got back from a run, which came immediately after paying over $400 for car repair, which came immediately after 2 cups of coffee while I was having car repair done, which came immediately after a short-changed night of sleep, which came immediately after discovering that I am still in love with someone I broke up with 8 months ago (and 3 more times since then, though we never got back together...don’t even try to figure that one out).

This lingering love has kept me from being able to move forward in any relationship since then. What this essentially means is that two times since the breakup last February I have begun a relationship with a great girl only to find that I am completely incapable of giving my heart to the relationship because my heart is still somewhere else.

It happens pretty predictably: 3 dates, a lot of shared self on both sides, my realization of where my heart really is, a confession to her of where my heart is, pain on her side for investing in something that never had a chance, pain and guilt on my side for being the source of her pain, and honest confusion on my part as to where the knee-deep shit I am standing in came from.

Now the logical question at this point is, “Beau, if you love this girl so much, why are you dating other girls?!!”

At this point I should probably fill you in on another bit of information about myself. I am a perfectionist. I want and expect everything to be perfect. I want everything to work properly, to run smoothly, to be morally and metaphysically right (whatever that is), and to please everybody perfectly.

This causes untold anxiety and ridiculous amounts of deliberation in even petty decision-making. I am often frozen in thought, stranded in fear between two alternatives, certain that the wrong choice will leave me short of perfection and therefore miserable but uncertain as to which choice is right.

The whole process makes me miserable. In fact, come to think of it, I arrived at Misery earlier than I thought. It may have really been 10 years ago. But that’s a further testament to the importance of thoroughly deliberated decision-making. If I had thought about it more I might have realized that choosing to think so much would make me miserable, and I could have avoided the whole thing altogether.

That being said, the reason I am not in that other relationship is that I wasn’t certain it was the right (or perfect) choice. If it wasn’t right then it must not be pleasing to God, and if it wasn’t pleasing to God then it couldn’t be right. So I began to question the relationship. The more I questioned the relationship the more strained it became, and the more strained it became the more I questioned it. Eventually we were both miserable and decided that we should just break things off. We had come to an impasse, and the only way to get around it was to not go any further.

So I traded the misery of questioning if I should be in that relationship for the misery of questioning if I should have stayed in that relationship. I promptly realized the real truth of the saying “misery loves company” and so I began to wish I was back in that relationship, but I couldn’t be sure this wouldn’t just make me more miserable, and so I decided to look for a new relationship that might make me less miserable, or at least a little more certain that it wouldn’t get more miserable.

Now to tell you the truth, I don’t trust God today....


(I’m stopping here and will post the rest in a few days)

2007.11.18 CHECK THIS OUT: Album Progress

Okay, here is the first update on the progress of the new recording.

Last Monday and Tuesday we tracked Bass and Drums (yes, they warrant capitalization...they were that good).

Here’s a few shots of Ben (Drums) and James (Bass).










We tracked Bass and Drums at Ben’s studio and then spent Thursday through Saturday at Stephen’s studio tracking acoustic guitar (you can see Stephen in the last photo with James above).

Here’s a couple of shots Stephen took Saturday night before we finished up.







Monday we will be tracking electric guitars and then taking a break for thanksgiving. I’ll fill you in more the week after thanksgiving. I’ll also fill you in on Stephen, who is producing the album and just happens to be my neighbor.

If you are interested in hearing the songs we will be doing on the album, you can go to www.beaubristow.com to hear scratch guitar and vocal tracks.

Later.

beau

CHECK THIS OUT: Videos! Two of them.

I just wanted to let you guys see a couple of videos that you might enjoy...or laugh at.

The first was thrown together by my friend Kevin Sparkman for a show that I played last month at a new venue here in Nashville called The Loft. Kevin manages this venue, which is located on a 5th floor rooftop in downtown Nashville....it’s awesome!

The video is just a bunch of clips he got from me and from a couple of videos online...it’s pretty funny and got a good laugh from the crowd that night.





The other video is the only recorded version of my song “Crazy.” It was recorded last Spring for a friend of mine as part of his Senior thesis. It was during the time in my life when I wasn’t sure I would be continuing music and had just lost love in my life....which explains the disheveled appearance and facial hair....I promise to take better care of myself in the future :)

WE ARE LIVING IT RIGHT NOW: Evil (Part 2: The Free Will Defense)

The Free Will Defense to the Problem of Evil


(It should be noted before you read this that I am only posing thoughts/concerns and am not presenting solutions. In all honestly I have not even fully presented all that is entailed in the Free Will Defense, nor have I listed all of my corresponding concerns. This being said, I welcome antagonistic comments, just don’t be disappointed if I already agree with your statements.)

As mentioned in my last installment of “We Are Living it Right Now” I mentioned that I am reading and working through the problem of evil.

To review, the problem of evil is as follows:

1) God is all powerful
2) God is all knowing
3) God is good
4) Evil exists

Statements 1-4 seem to be logically incompatible, for if 1-3 are true then my first expectation would be that 4 is false. Life testifies to the truth of 4, and strongly so. Thus, it seems that at least 1, 2, or 3 must be false, for if 1 is false God just couldn’t have prevented evil; if 2 is false God just couldn’t have foreseen evil to avoid it or didn’t know how to do so; if 3 is false then there is no reason for God to avoid evil since he is not necessarily opposed to it.


The most frequently espoused response that I have encountered to this problem is what is known as the “Free Will Defense.” This defense essentially states that for God to give us true freedom of choice, there must be the possibility that we will choose to do that which is evil. For God to mettle in our decision-making in any way, even so as to avoid evil, would compromise our free will.

Today I just want to mention three critical thoughts that concern me and make me hesitant to embrace this as a theodicy (a theodicy is defined by Webster as a “defense of God's goodness and omnipotence in view of the existence of evil.”)

First of all I do not think the Free Will Defense is Biblical1 (and I should probably state here that it is my conviction that God has truly revealed Himself in the 66 books of the Protestant Christian Cannon2).

My second concern is that the Free Will Defense limits God’s power by affirming that it is impossible for Him to create creatures with free will and guarantee that there will be no evil. Is this really “all-powerful?” (proposition 1)

My third concern is that the Free Will Defense (and various other defenses) come down to an assertion that it is better to have freedom of will than freedom from evil (including pain and suffering). God is a still a good God (proposition 3) because He created us with free will, and this outweighs the evil (proposition 4) that results from it.

Or let me pose my third concern this way:

Is it better to be “robbed” of free will or to go to Hell? The free will defender must affirm that it is the later, and this I cannot do.


(Since drafting this blog I have decided to post further thoughts on the Free Will Defense in my next blog. I would love to hear your comments on this blog so that I can keep them in mind or speak to them next time.)





Notes:
1. This is because the Free Will Defense assumes incompatibilism, which means that God’s Sovereignty and free will cannot coexist. Though the terms “Sovereignty of God” and “Free Will” need more definition than I chose to give here, it will suffice to say that I believe that they can coexist and that indeed this is what Scripture teaches, a view known as compatibilism.

2. I know that many of my readers may take issue with me on this, and I only ask that if you are one of them that you suspend judgment and do not write me off until some time in the future when I am able to explain my view of Scripture more thoroughly. I trust that if you truly take interest in the content of this blog then you are intelligent enough, open-minded enough, and tolerant enough to grant me this.